blackcathollow

you know some people really don't understand how lucky they are. I started my internship wednesday, and within two days some of the things that i've heard about have made me shudder. Also it made me see how lucky i was and how lucky all of my friends are. Yea, we have disagreements with siblings and parents but at least you weren't pimped out by your cousins/siblings for sex, or at least your 14 year old older sibling didn't rape you, your best friend, and your 3 year old sister.Or your parents didn't leave you in soiled diapers because their needs of partying came first.

Some of these kids are going to have tough time in the system, and they will have serious problems when they grow up. It breaks my heart, and makes me shudder. Its a tough business to deal with, and alot of people write it off as easy. It's not, im taking the easy road out. Adult offenders are easy cuz most of them fucked out their own lives, but most of these kids are hurting themselves and other kids.

Sunnydale High. Who cares if its on a hellmouth.

-Still working a lot.
-All my overtime/holiday/vacation time made one rich person landing me a 450$+ check this week.
-Made deans list which makes me happy cuz i worked really hard to keep my grades up to par this past semester. 2 A's, an A-, and a B makes me happy. Im hoping i can do the same or better and keep up so i can graduate with honors. Graduation is less than 6 months away and school starts in like three weeks. Its scary.
-New years was boring. I worked new years eve and fell asleep at like 10 on my aunts couch. Then when i finally woke up at 12:20, we went home and i went to sleep again. New years day i went to my grandparents and got scratched and bit by their cat but its ok.. she didn't remember me right away and is not the biggest people cat.
-Joined the gym. I actually did it, i wasn't going to but a 99$ for the year it was a deal. I will most likely start monday after work. I need to update the music on my mp3 player so i wont get bored with my music.
- Got myself some new winter boots, sheepskin cuz i can't find any cheap ones in my size this year. They cost me 50$ a piece but i need them.

i think thats it for now.

im stupid.

I wanted the money and i had to take those extra shifts and what happens i get sick while at work xmas eve. So now i get to suffer with this stupid cold while home and at work. It sucks, why is it when i have a gillion things to do in one week it strikes. It couldn't of happened during the semester?!!!

But im working 40 hours which is great, cuz part timers aren't supposed to work that much.YAY for my boss giving me extra hours.

New years is coming, and for the first time in ages im going to a party that is not put on by a friend. I got invited to Tara's , and i feel bad for not going but seeing my dad's whole side of the family some i haven't seen since last september when my cousin got married(they live in Oklahoma)., But everyone is going to be there so i must go and get connected.

But now i must go and get dressed, cuz its off to work i go... again!

Just a quickie post to say im keeping myself busy with working as much as they let me. AKA this week is killing me. So i was only working 4 days, then because one of my coworkers kinda quit it became 5, then since im nice and offered to take someones shift because he was really sick 6, OH and i don't know if i will have a day off till new years day but thats ok cuz it means lots more money and stuff. Im slowly killing myself with work but its all worth it because 59.25 hours x 10$ = LOTS OF MONEY!!!

The highlight of my xmas as to now, was opening up lighter fluid! It's supposed to be instead of citronella oil to spin, but i dont quite think i want to douse my poi my lighter fluid, but i can still have fun with it!

I would first of all like to thank all who wished me a happy birthday, even though it wasn't such a happy one. Two finals, a project, and the ice storm the day of, my car died the day after, spent all day saturday writing a paper that was worth half my grade, sunday i drank, and today i wrote two essays were part of a final. I guess i can't wait for something to do besides school, my internship is over, my last final is thursday, and the most time i haven't been home bored is friday when my sister took me out. I guess im just hoping that my winter break isn't just full of work because all work and no friends makes me want school to start sooner.

Thanks also the Kitoky over at SusanCaspian for the birthday Suspian Fluff. It made my birthday a whole lot better.

for now...

Susan/Caspian- Chronicles of Narnia
Mark/Roger - RENT
Dean/Sam- Supernatural
Rory/Marti- Gilmore Girls
House/Cameron- HOUSE
Cuddy/House- House

as for spike and angel.... that would have never worked they hated each other way too much. Im sooo a buffy geek.

Just saying that i love my new lj icon, and it needs to be december 2nd, just so that i can go out and get this movie!!!! I may even take a trip to walmart is westfield that day just so i can get it. So what if im a little biased towards it, its great. Better than the book, cuz caspain and susan totally belong together.

Im hyper on the fact that i have to write a paper, how odd is that.

*dances around*

So i had my second mental breakdown of the semester Thursday. Being hormonal, aka having my period and my dad egging me on calling me a pig was not a good thing. I threw the hamper on the floor yelled, wait no screamed at him. Then went downstairs where i proceeded to break down because my dad called me a pig because i don't have the time or energy to clean my room. On top of that im getting sick, which is just great for the end of the semester. Im thinking that once this semester is over i am dieing and not coming back for at least a week.

Well lets see what i have left to do:

Nov. 25: Youth Gangs paper due 5ish pages or more
Dec. 2, Media Paper 3-4 pages
Dec. 4: Internship Journal Due, Sex Offender paper/presentation., Internship Meeting, Internship Journal due
Dec 11: Youth Gangs Final, Sex Offenders Final, Adolescent Advice Guide Due( Yay for everything due on your birthday)
Dec 15: Internship Paper Due, Final Internship Journal due.
Dec: 15-18: Take Home part of Sex Offender Final Due
Dec. 18: Psych Final 12:20-2:20

and i haven't started my Youth Gangs paper yet, im hoping that he will give me an extension.

For now, i need to go get warm cuz i really feel like crap.

I think most of all cuz people think that we don't use the freezer as much and also because its dumb. Freezer Lights people, lets make history and make it easier to get at those no good for you frozen treats!

got a new computer, and love it. Only problem is mp3 player software isn't vista compatable.

Schools going good, have decided to commute next semester rather than live on campus. And im hopefully doing another internship, this time at the juvenile court.

im hooked on coffee now, because im too exhausted to function at times. being busy 7 days a week with hardly any time to myself tires me out.

six flags is amazing and if i didn't feel like a gordon before, i so am one now.

Got a new computer desk, i have storage now and everything fits with no over crowding.

next weekend is my one weekend off until nov 30.

Started talking with britt again and it feels good.

need to get out more.

now im going cuz im tired.

Have decided to take a mental health weekend in october cuz if i dont i may just die a painful death. It's the weekend of the 24th, i would be busy friday or sat depending on if i go to the halloween parade, if i do then im taking my cousin to see High School Musical 3 sat, if not then im going the day it comes out... god help me for being nice. It gives me an excuse to see how bad it is.

Been crocheting again, making a blanket for my cousin victoria, it will be a 1st birthday gift so i wont feel bad giving it to her at christmas when i wont get any of the other kids anything. Then i may make a blanket for my cousin Kyrsten since she loves me and i know she will love something homemade... and everything you want to get her she already has..

Internship is going good, i hopefully am going to be working with the case workers soon.

Kids are dumb, especially with simple algebra, and i hate math. They don't read before answering quest questions. They also get hit by cars when they run across the street in a pouring rain storm without looking. Scared the shit out of the driver.

Cat has fleas again, and wont go anywhere near me.

Got new pants from school, very comfy. Also a sweatshirt blanket, its very warm.

Schools going decent, psych test comes back tomorrow. Think i did goood.

I hopefully get to see sarah in two weeks.

Bored. Still lonely, still missing that one thing that makes life worthwhile.

Career fair tomorrow, maybe i will get an in somewhere. My dad has a very pessimistic view on this economy and keeps wondering if i will be able to get a job after graduation. God i hope so, i don't want to work at PC forever to pay off loans for a degree that i cant find a job for.

Maybe getting a new computer soon, i love this one but its too slow and is 3 years old. Has a replaced keyboard, new hardrive, and the ac adaptor died, thank god i had one from my first computer that works otherwise i wouldn't of made it this far. Parents may front me the money.

I should go do hw, and the paper that is due tomorrow.

So this week was when my first paper was due and my first exam of my senior year. Yet i don't feel any different. Im thinking of wanting to commute next semester too because i really am sick of not fitting in at school. I have zero friends, and feel like an outcast. I got pressured into a group who really didn't want me simply because i had no where else to go. I hate group projects. I also don't know what my living situation is going to be, and i guess im afraid of the unknown. The only people i talk to in school is the people that work in the cafeteria. I have very few friends and it upsets me.

I love my parents but its hard to go to them for every single thing. The one person that can be there is furry and has 4 legs and a tail. My kitty is my rock, he knows when im upset and is there to love me to make it better. Hes prolly the reason i don't have a real relationship, because hes the closest thing to the right guy i have.

Most of all i think that i need to stop thinking, cuz when i think i get upset. That's why i have this and have started updating, not really to keep people posted cuz i really think that no one reads these, but to just get my thoughts out without talking to myself cuz it gets old, and without having to explain to my parents everything.

On a bright note i did get a picture of a bald eagle in pittsfield.

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=57780&id=504092523&saved#/photo.php?pid=1334676&id=504092523

Got to my facebook and check it out.

September is winding down, and I'm getting more used to my highly stressful, no time off lifestyle. I got over my mental breakdown, and am stable. Schools going OK, i was mad at myself cuz i had to skip my first class last Thursday because of personal problems, and sitting for another 3 hours plus wouldn't of been good. I had my first weekend off , and it was great. I went to the cape with family for the scallop festival, and i had an amazing time. spending more money than i should have. My internship is going well, i got to work one on one with a kid which was great. Hopefully i will be hanging around the case workers ore so i can give myself more experience with my field rather than teaching- not that i don't like hanging out with Reggie and the suspension kids. I have my first exam tomorrow, which I'm nervous about. Been hanging around with mom a lot. My mom and her friends have sort of teamed up to try and find me a guy because apparently i shouldn't be single. I'm just going with the flow, i don't want a relationship nor do i have time for one. I can't make time for myself let alone anyone else. Had a few bad dreams one about my kitty dieing, and the other about be attacked to death by fleas(again), and i looked in the mirror and i have really big really dark circles under them. *sigh* I'm falling apart, i fell about 10 years older than i actually am. I guess i will deal, that's what i always do is adapt to what life throws me. I guess that's it for now, nothing to report people wise. Besides talking to Adrian at times, i don't see or talk to anyone. Being busy gives me nothing but work and pains.

Also being constantly busy makes me long for companionship other than my beloved cat who's a brat.

ive come to the conclustion that by the end of this semester i will just curl up and actually die. Its getting to the point where i feel numb everyday. Im stressed beyond normal, and its only the second week of the semester. Its all the fact that i have very little time to myself, or with anyone else for that matter.

I wake up , get dressed, go to internship/work/school(depending on the day) and then come home and do homework, and then almost pass out till i have wake myself up so i dont fall asleep at 6 and wake up at 2 am wide awake. Then i finally go to sleep and do the same thing all over again. I dont get a day off, i dont just get a day to rest, i always have something going on, and if i have a family thing going on after then i come home and then go out again. Take today, im alsmot ready to cry because i want change. I dont want to be on the go from 6am to 7pm or later. I dont want to get home after 8pm because i have a mandatory meeting 2 1/2 hours after my last class. Thursdays are long enough without making me stay here till 7pm or later. Im trying to be a good student, but i honestly think that a mental breakdown over my life the second week in the semester is not healthy. But i dont have time to relax, i cant afford to take a weekend off from work. Except for a few days that i had planned before school started, i dont call in to work, i dont not go to work. Sorry but i have amountain of student loans that i need to pay back. I got a 500$ scholarship this year which just about covers books, But doesnt cover the fact that i have bills to pay. My parents did what they could for me, but lets face it im not good enough to get any sotra help from anyone. The only help i get is loans, which i then have to pay back when i graduate. So when i do graduate, i will most likely be working at price chopper full time(or as many hours they will give me) till i find a real life job, and just work price chopper on the weekends to pay on my student loans so im not in a huge amount of debt.

I just don't know what to do, im stressed constantly and i have nothing that comforts me. Its work, work,work, work. I don't know what its like to be able to rest, and it seems like it means little to other people so why should over working myself bother me. Heck when i almost passed out at work this summer no one seemed to care, i just had to wait for someone else to come in before i go take a break. Who cares if you almost passed out from heat exhaustion and dehydration just make sure the counter is covered. Haven forbid we have angry customers because someone is overworked.

At this point i just dont care anymore, one day i will land myself in the hospital because of my stress level and then maybe people will see that im overworked. Heh, or maybe not.

This week has started out my hectic schedule of doom and death literally. Yesterday was my first day at my internship which was neat, i followed around the case workers all day cuz thats what i was told to do. There was an orientation for the kids in the dropout prevention program, where as kids who do horrid in high school are sent to the JRC where they take classes for half a day and work/do community service the other half of the day to earn credits so they can graduate. Thankfully, i only knew one kid, and i already knew that she was doing that program before i started my internship.

So i ended up staying for that orientation, then just sat and listened to the case workers and the the tteachers discuss how to split up the classes, where i was very bored because i had nothing to do cuz im an intern and obviously due to confidentiality can't help with that sort of stuff. But after that was done we all went out to eat at Burger. It was not bad, seeing as id never been there before, and had never been to spice before so had no idea what to make of it. I had chicken fingers, and sweet potato fries. They were very good, after that we headed back to the JRC where i basically sat for two hours and stared off into psace so i wouldn't fal alseep cuz there was nothing for me to do but sit and listen to people make various phone calls and write various emails.

Once 3 came i was glad, cuz i got to go home. I got home, and relaxed for a little while then jumped right into my last bit of homework, and once i had finished my paper and emailed it to my teacher. I was lying in bed trying not to fall asleep, when my mom wanted to know if i would go to walmart with her. I said sure cuz i needed to get gas, so we went and it was horrid cuz i could hardly keep myself from dropping while driving. Not a great thing, but we did go to big lots first and i found a 2 gig memory card for my camera for cheap( 13$). Then we went to walmart where i very nearly fell asleep pushing the cart, and my brain almost oded more when narnia was playing yet again. When i got home i was so wiped that i went to bed at 10, and i slept straight through till 6 when i had to get up to go to school.

Today was hard for me, thanks for starbucks coffee drinks the garden cafe sells im awake, otherwise i would of drifted off in my sex offenders class(which i had nearly done). Now i am a half hour away from class, and im still exhausted, and i still have my internship tomorrow and another paper to write, and thursday i wont get home till after 8 from school and i leave before 7am. So im bringing my laptop so i have something to stop me from dieing a painful death. Then friday internship, and then as much homework as i get done so i dont leave it all for sunday after work. Oh yes, i do indeed have to work all weekend, and then monday starts my insane schedule all over again. I think by the end of this semester all i will want to do is sleep, and stay in bed. I am barely staying awake in class and at my internship as it is, whats going to happen come time for finals, i think that im seriously screwing myself up this semester. Oh the fun of having nothing else to do besides schoolwork, and sleep. Well at least i have no friends to say i cant hang out with you too, cuz the two people i would hangout with are very busy and ones in another state at school. At this moment my life stinks.

so school starts thursday and i really don't know how i feel about it. I want to go back, mostly because i want to be busy. But then again, i dont want to go back. I don't want to go back to the whole sitting the cafe at 333 between classes and having a book as my only companion. I hate the fact that i can't make friends, plain and simple. Something is wrong with me, i try to make friends i do, but then in the end its like i was good for someone to talk to occasionally but once class is done we go our separate ways. I lived with 5 amazing girls last semester and the only bond in there was the bond between the 5 of them getting stronger, while i get left out in the cold. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, its happened before, heck its happened all of my life. I try to make new friendships, or see how i can try to make change in my life and it never works. I have come to the conclusion that when i move out of my parents house, i will be somewhat of a crazy cat lady. I will live with my cats and they will most likely be my only companions. As it is my cat is the one who comforts me when im upset, who makes it known everyday that im his, who makes sure that i know he loves me. Its the unconditional love only a pet can give you, he sleeps by my side every night without fail. I also wake up to him by my side. Hes my best friend(other than sarah but shes a bard and very busy) and the only other living being(not related to me) that has shown that he cares deeply for me. I guess it just ends up showing you who really cares for you and who uses you for convenience.

Right now im doing that whole thinking too much things, i wish things weren't like they were.
I also can't help caring for you, even though you constantly hurt me.
Maybe things are better off this way, but then again i don't want this.
I was always there for you, yet you were hardly there for me.
Why do i think so much?
I like you, and your nice... but i don't know you well enough to consider dating or a relationship with you. I enjoy talking with you but we haven't known each other than long and friendship is the best option right now. Even though you've said you like me, take time before jumping to conclusions that don't seem logical.

This is something i wrote back in may... looking for feedback

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Some may call it a legend
A fairytale
A simple children’s story
But I know it’s more than it seems

It may not be my home
But it was at one time
The land of the great lion

It’s a far off place where trees are as alive as you or I
Where true magic exists, and the wind speaks
Animals are truly intelligent beings
Who walk and talk no different than you or I

Where chivalry still exists
Where royalty is royalty always
No matter who happens to be ruling

Supposedly mythical creatures
Are as real as you or I
Centaurs, Fauns, and Dwarfs
Live together with humans in peace

It had seemed to be only a dream
But sometimes the dreams of children
Are not dreams al all, but reality

Things have changed
Memories faded
Till that one day
They started becoming stronger

Starting with a feeling
That then blossomed
Into memories
Of a girl living in this wonderful land

No one else may think it exists
To them it may be fictional
But I know it exists
And I will never forget

Will I return?
Maybe one day
When they call me
I will never say goodbye...

so um yea, its been a while. I successfully finished my first year at westfield, and im going to be a senior in about a week. Senior, graduating in june... man time flies. Im commuting this semester, because im interning in pittsfield 3 days a week so it saves money. This summer has been no different than the last, shit happened and i get bumped out of the group. So i have offically decided that i don't give a care anymore. I don't care what they think of me, i don't care if they talk to me or pretend to be nice to me. I Just give up on people, ive made peace with the fact that i don't have very many close friends anymore. I have Sarah, and my mom- the two people i have mainly hung out with this summer. I didn't make any friends at school, i think im just doomed to live a lonely life.

But i only had to deal with people for sarahs party and i think that im glad the summer turned out the way it has. It shows me not to trust people anymore, no matter what.

I did a lot this summer, visiting a lot of local museums with mom. Live on the lake was something i did religiously for the first time, and we did third thursday too. Vacation was amazing, being on the cape and the day trips i had a blast.

This summer has been an awakening to the fact that i can't just buy things anymore, i need to save, i can't shop at hot topic anymore i need professional clothes and this internship is going to help a lot. I no longer just buy things, i buy things with purpose. I buy colorful things, that show off the fact that i have a shape. Ive started exercising more, and think that im going to join a gym so that this fall i can get myself in great shape. Before i know it i will be putting in applications and resumes all over the place. Id like to stay local, i know the area and not many people from the area want to stay here.

I hope that this year in school is better, and i actually make friends. I just need a change, why can't i seem to connect to anyone. Because i didn't want to go out to the bar with 60 someodd people i didn't know all the time is why i didn't connect with my roomies.

This has been a big summer for me to see things ive never seen before, like a obcessive person i went to see Prince Caspian this summer, and once wasn't enough( and it wasn't good to go by myself, that was a BAD idea). I saw it 5 times, and it woke something that i had never seen before. I guess its a good thing cuz now im totally susan/caspian ship cuz it worked in the movie, and it actually happened. But thats a big long story.

But i guess im hoping that this fall doesn't kill me with my internship 3 days a week, school 2 days, and then work on the other 2 days. Maybe being really busy will help me get over things that are still twitching.



maybe i will update more, who knows. I thought that my id was deleted but apparently it wasn't.

So schools not as bad as i was expecting. I like westfield a lot, i like my classes and teachers. Even my roomates are not really all that bad - i got really lucky. But i guess this is more to say how unhappy i am with my life.

No im not being all, boo hoo, my life sucks, i dont want to live anymore, everyone feel sorry for me.

Im just generally unhappy. Im getting to that stage where my family all asks wheres my boyfriend, and when i answer that i dont have one. They ask why not? Now thats a question, because i dont know why. Honestly before i moved to westfield, i thought i was handling being single quite well. HA!! nope apparently it was just pent up emotions that exploaded when i got to school and all my roomates had boyfriends/guys they were casually dating. I feel so lonely, i mean, all i see is my roomates boyfriends around the appt. and the one that used to live here. So it made me even more depressed. The thing is i dont know what to do, i dont want to constantly go out to the bar like my roomates do. I dont like to drink that much, im a one drink girl usually, two if i feel like it. Im a cheap date, and would rather stay in with and watch a movie and drink and hang out than go out constantly to a crowded bar, and watch everyone get drunk, and hang out with people i dont know. I hate crowded places, going to the mall on fridays or saturdays is too much for me, so sticking me in a small bar with 100's of people that i dont know is torture. My roomates always brag about their sex lives, and how they want to hook up with this person, or how they dated that person. It makes me uncomfortable not because im a virgin, but because i feel out of place. theres not even a chance of me getting a date, cuz all the guys that look at me think that im a freshman and most upperclassmen really dont want to hang out with , never mind date freshmen. So im at a loss, and i even broke down in front of my mom, who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. She thinks i should see a therapist and talk about all of this, but i dont know. I just done know what to do, i really think that i will be single forever. My mom even suggested i try online dating, but honestly id rather not because it costs too much for the good sites, and the cheap sites are kinda creepy. I guess this is one thing that has been eating at me for a long time, and unless anything changes, will continue to eat at me forever.

Another thing that is bugging me is the fact that im always left out by my roomates. they all have a bond that i cant seem to blend into. They say that they love having me but they never include me when they go out. Like last semester i go to the dc to meet my roomates for lunch after class like i always do, only to find out that they ditched me to go eat breakfast at bickfords instead. leaving me looking like a loser in the dc eating alone. I felt like i was in highschool again. They only time they want to me to go out with them is to the bar, which is not my thing. Tonight they went out for scorpian bowls, not that i really wanted to go drink, but the point was they didnt even ask if i wanted to go which is what hurts. I was looking forward to school starting, but now im looking forward to going home every weekend.

End of rant.
Comment if you like.